This Xanga ain't the only thing in need of serious work!!! I am such a bum these days. Maybe a sleezy bum consider'in I am just the kinda person who is always visiting intimadating fantasy's wen I've got a boyfriend. I lost so many friends or just havn't talked to them in a good while because even I see the changes in my overall person. HighSchool killed the last shred of decency I brought to everyone worth adopting in my world. Sometimes one I give up on one area of old happiness all the rest better watch out!!!! Guess thats why my relationship needs a face lift so to speak..maybe it litterally does since theres no doubt in my mind I took away my boyfriends rebirth of expressions. He did tell me he's tired and doesn't know what to say anymore. I agree on that..I didn't wanna accept it because if both of us are lost..WHATS TO COME??? WHAT OF ANYTHING??? I'm through sticking up for my father...he can be so feeble minded and outragiously ridiculous with actions or better yet...DEMANDS.  Gawd,I am firm with counting down to 18 but still as my boyfriend keeps bringing to my attention,things are gonna be just as much devastating...more and more no matter if I truely get myself 2gether. My family has trained me to not feel when it comes to being around drama...accually catching other's tears. I look like I couldn't give the slightest reaction to indicate I truely feel sorry in my soul. Doesn't mean I don't ache...I AM depressed at times. So is the mood right now. Everything is coming loose in the dreams I kept weaving for the sake of having goals and some form of courage. I honestly don't know how much I can try with anything knowing I already gave that 1 person resonable doubts about holding on.

If I hadn't of fell so many times I wouldn't have what it takes to be a survivor...I plumit thru these road blocks. There are things I can never forget about the ones I've trusted so all i can say is that I learned from the best bitches out there!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

You never thought I'd return but I'm here.

So much has changed...I out grew alot of things and I guess alot of people of whom should CHERISH AND HOLD SACRED their INNOCENCE!!! If I could just go bakkkkk......I am learning to be okay with myself. I see a therapist now so I feel better about all types of drama though I still freak and I don't call her like she insists at anytime...I'd rather just talk about random things with my best friend Paula..we can't see eachother anymore tho...we havn't for so long that I don't know wat else I can do cuz her parents have noth'in against me...they just think its for the best cuz Paula cannot help me with my problems...thatz straight BULL!!! I don't expect that 4rm her,I just need her to be around..THATZ IT!!!! ALL I ASK!!! Doesn't seem that bad consider'in we'll both be 18 soon so I dare em to keep us apart after that!!!! I hate wen friendships sound like relationships!!! For god sakes,I love the opposite sex but not so much now if ya only knew wat horrible things I've got to add to the past now you'd all see my point.

So many wanna know about my life...they need to stay outta it,I can handle myself thank you very much. I wouldn't be surprised if people from school were reading this right now. Alright,I'm going out for my G.E.D. and I'm sorry a great portion of the rumers are true. Think wat you want..I'm over it!

Any1 who's about to read all this mess I'm about to type,IF U KNOW ME PERSONALLY...AZ IN SEE ME AND ATTEND OUR "PRECIOUS" ONTARIO HIGHSCHOOL--ABSOULTELY KEEP EVERYTHIN I'M NEEDING TO GET OUT RIGHT NOW TO YOURSELVES!!!!! (I'm DEAD serious!!!!!!!)

Alright.

I don't much have a life anymore. I really blew it!!!!!

THOUGH by coming clean 2 my fam N everybody about my 1 night of "fun" I gained Jayson's trust back...he could accually tell me I LOVE YOU  and I meant it...I truely meant it!!!! That's definately something I still amazingly have while I'm trying not to breakdown or runaway and change every characteristic but I'll always wanna come back because of the 3 letter word found in this paragragh that's all capitalized...I love you all,I love my boyfriend...and yes,my family but mainly Bridgette-fave cuzz!

REMEMBER THAT THIS IS TO REMAIN IN UR KNOWLEDGE...NO ONE ELSE AND I WILL RIP AT ANYONE'S JAW WHO DARES MENTION ME OTHER THAN...I HOPE SHE'S OKAY (AND ONLY SAY THAT IF U REALLY DO!!!!!!)

3 or 4 nights ago now...I snuck outta the house. I was planning on meeting up N hangin with this guy my same age (17) Who I had no intentionz of hook'in up with and obviously him either...we found eachother attractive but our deal was to just run around town and see if there was any kind of way to pass the time that wouldn't ruin our friendship and loyalty...for he also belonged to sum1...thank god!

His cousin drove us around but everythin was just dreadful outside...so with nothin to do,I refused to just go home after all the struggle to finnally sneak out! I took several bold moves that night...dangerous wen I asked his cuzz to drop me off at Red Apple...I remembered a cool guy I was becoming good friendz with lived around there so with nowhere to go and no girlfriendz available I foolishly...past foolishly! got him to come get me and he introduced me to his best friend who I wish would of been a gurl cuz damn,I knew I shouldn't of went with two older guys by myself...I really am a retarded physco whore!!!!!!!

The guys were in their 20's...we went down to his friend's apartment and they traded off play'in sum childish racing game...eventually I was drinking Carona's...eventually...gett'in taken advantage of....

So again,this is an EXTREMELY PERSONAL MATTER

I reported it and I'm gonna home-school.

DON"T EVEN THINK YOU CAN SHARE THIS WITH THE PPL U KNOW I"M GOOD WITH BESIDES YOU OF WHOM READING THIS> I DON"T WANT ANYONE TO KNOW!!! THE ONLY INFO THAT I CAN ACCEPT FREE IS THAT I SNUCK OUT AND DRANK...THATZ ALL MOST PPL SHOULD KNOW...SO DON"T SAY A WORD ABOUT THIS TO ANYONE...NOT EVEN IF THEY BRING IT UP!!! PLEASE

I THANK THOSE WHO KNOW ME THAT ARE READING THIS FOR UR LOYALTY AND FRIENDSHIP TO ME BY KEEPIN IT PERSONAL.

There's enough misunderstandings and straight lies that remain between me and Jayson but all in all he's very supportive/encouraging...he says every1 deserves something so I shouldn't go over how unworthy I am of what exists in my life..who enters it. I can never show appreciation for the way he cares about me...really,why did I have to put our lives in such strain to get a hint that there's true love behind every fight we've tried to keep personal,he's tried to keep personal...I blab everything....the people I think are only listening hard to help me escape myself force me to hear karma arrive cuz everything falls on a foolish gabber sometime. I gotta start telling everybody the truth of my weak restrain for fun by means pertaining to threatening claus...haha,I'm show'in off my writing skills..the only thing I always knew I'd stay with no matter Earthly,fleshly difficulties!

I got serious burp bubbles right now...and I guess I got em on purpose..I know I did accually....

lastnight,I sorta...yea I snuck out N had my thrill of Corona's...got taken advantage of basically..I don't wanna explain anymore...